just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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