I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
