no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My ATM looks so different sober.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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