I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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