At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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