do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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