I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
