just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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