Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
