wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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