My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
