piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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