Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
