seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
