shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
