no, he came in my armpit
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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