I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
