Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
