i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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