im six kinds of drunk right now
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
