dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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