My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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