Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
