can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
