i barfeds in our rink
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
