Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
