I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
