Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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