You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
