If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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