He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
