my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
