Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
