I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
