He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
