Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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