Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
