We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
