My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
