shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
