i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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