those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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