the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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