You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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