i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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