are you still at the devil's house?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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