i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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