I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
