I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
