The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
