the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I smell stomach acid.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
